This week all three of my sons, separate from one another, have told me what they want to do with their lives. Our oldest announced that he’d like to be a director – and make great movies. Our twelve-year-old said he wants to be a doctor – a surgeon perhaps. Our youngest said, “Would you let me be one of those guys who stands on a stage and tells jokes. I think I’d like to do that.”
What’s amazing to me about these conversations is how clearly I could see each one of my sons doing those jobs. Those callings fit them. In a way it is who they are. Yes, I know, I’ve heard it too, “we are not defined by what we do – we are more than our vocations.” I’m not so sure about that. I’m not so sure that there isn’t a very close connection to being and calling. I could be wrong but…
Knowing my sons the way I do, I believe there are vocations they are better suited for than others. I also believe that not helping them to understand who they are, how they are hard-wired, and telling them they can do anything is not all that helpful to them in the long run.
In other words, know your child. Study them. Understand how God made them and help them to see how God made them. Give them a vision for the target that God has laid out for them and help them to move toward it. Telling our arrows they can fly in a lot of different directions, any direction they want, and expecting them to hit a target is perhaps an exercise in futility.
I believe that who my sons are (being), how God has put them together, gives shape to their vocation (calling). How God made them will give shape to how God intends to use them, His target so to speak. I think that shaping continues their entire lives. However, when I fail to take into account how God put them together and fail to give them a vision for God’s target for their lives, I am setting them up for frustration.
I know a number of parents who want to make sure that they give their child every opportunity and experiences. It is as if the opportunities and experiences will somehow give shape to their children – and it does – but not always in the way that we had hoped. In other words, we send kids to science camps, sports camps, literary camp, (to see if they are going to be a scientist, athlete, or writer or all three). Sometimes it is just for fun but most of the time it is because we believe they can do anything they want to or put their minds to and we just need to give them opportunity and experience to figure it out.
Fortunately, kids sometimes know themselves better than parents do (and it may be frustrating to them to hear us say ‘you are awesome and can do anything you want’ they know that isn’t true for them – it wasn’t true when our parents said it either). What’s more is that some parents have forgotten opportunity and experience are not all that makes a person a person. We work extra hard to give those opportunities and experiences for our kids in hope. All we have to do, really, is spend the time to get to know who they are – really. How they are hard-wired plays a part. In other words, being and calling go hand in hand.
Who knows if one day Sherry and I will one day watch a major motion picture that our son directed, or ask our son for medical advice, or laugh in a crowd at the jokes of our youngest (I’ve given him a lot of material to work with). But, at least at this point, I can see that what they say they want to do is consistent with who they are.
Somehow in the midst of all the mistakes and messes I make of being a dad, God is still directing the being and calling of our sons. My prayer is that I don’t muddle things up too much and I am able to help point these young men toward THE target for their lives. Of course, THE target is that they advance God’s purposes in the world (as agents of shalom) for God’s glory. My job as dad is to help them understand who they are and to give them a vision for THE target so that no matter the specific calling they are finding their purposes wrapped up in God’s. I believe that is how these young men will flourish and those around them will flourish as well.
Not long ago I sat at my favorite coffee shop here in Charlottesville, VA. Across with me sat a man I have come to respect and appreciate – largely due to a book he authored (which is given some shape to the way I parent). In the course of our conversation he said, “You know – these are anxious times.” I listened to him as he unpacked that statement. He was right – these are anxious times.
So why would Jesus say something like, “do not be anxious”?
Well – like I said before – I don’t think he’s trying to be cruel or ironic. In fact, I’m fairly certain that Jesus understood people – very, very well. I think, in fact, that if Jesus is saying don’t be anxious then he’s probably got a way figured out for folks not to be anxious. It may be worth thinking about. Perhaps Jesus wants to give shape to our image of a good life – and what is really essential for us to know.
So – if Smith is right – and I think he may be – then why are these anxious times? Why are folks so anxious about everything? Why are children suffering from anxiety disorders – more so now than perhaps previous generations? Why are parents anxious about their kids’ future? Why are seniors anxious about their golden years?
Is there a connection between our ultimate love, our desire for what we imagine to be a good life and anxiety?
I think there is. Think about the fact that the average American family is in debt because we bought cars, clothes, homes, went on vacations, went to concerts, or went to university, sent out kids to camps, etc. Why? Most likely because we were pursuing our vision/image of a good life – but now we are anxious about making those payments in a shrinking economy. A lot of folks have less income now than they did and things that seemed like essentials a few years ago are clearly not essential any longer. But the anxiety is probably still very much a reality – each month when the bills come due.
I think Jesus is trying to give shape to our desire – our vision/image of a good life. One of the first things that He says is that “your heavenly Father” knows what you need. That’s a comforting reality – if you understand/believe/ have God as Father. That takes some pressure off – it is not all up to us. God knows what His children need and He provides.
If this is true, and I think it is, how does this impact our anxiety levels? It may impact them a lot – because if we think about it – it means that God is the one who not only supplies our needs but also defines our needs. What I mean is that we will have to start thinking about what is really essential which will impact our desires. That means that our vision/image of a good life may need to change – which probably means that someone else will have to shape our ultimate love.
Perhaps this is why Jesus follows this up by saying, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
Is this the cure for anxiety? Is this the vision/image that people, parents, children, students are supposed to have? What does it mean to seek first God’s Kingdom and His righteousness?
What if God’s kingdom and His righteousness were your ultimate love? What if that was what motivated you to get up and get going in the morning? What it the notion of God’s kingdom and His righteousness gave shape to the way you raised your children, spent your money, loved your family, did your work, saved for retirement? What if the vision/image of God’s kingdom and righteousness shaped your desires and your understanding of what was an essential and how those things were going to be provided? Would that be an end to anxiety – would it at least curb it?
Jesus seems to be saying so – especially in the next verse (Matthew 6:34). He says, “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”
Wouldn’t that be amazing – to be able to put anxiety aside? How different do you think your life would be – if you could really have no anxiety? Well – Jesus says it is possible. But maybe he is wrong. Maybe Jesus got it wrong and we are supposed to live with chronic anxiety.
Or perhaps Jesus is right, and I think He is, and He is trying to give shape to the right vision/image of a good life. Maybe Jesus is right and human beings really are creatures who desire to live out an image of a good life – but that desire/vision/image is supposed to be shaped a vision for God’s Kingdom and Righteousness.
If he is wrong then we seem to know what we are doing; anxiety is part of being human. That doesn’t seem right though. Anxiety seems to be killing us. But we just have to evolve.
But if he is right then perhaps we need to learn what it means to live out this vision/image of God’s kingdom and righteousness. I think it’ll mean learning a lot about what Jesus meant by God’s kingdom and righteousness. At a minimum I think it’ll mean:
That we care about the things that God cares about.
It means that we pursue good –not just for ourselves but also for others.
It means that we look not only for our interests but the interest of others.
It means that the decisions we make about how we spend our time and our money matter beyond ourselves.
It means that our first order of life is about pleasing – not ourselves – not our parents – not our friends – not our teachers – but God –first and foremost.
It means your life matters more than you actually think because it belongs to God’s kingdom and God’s work in the world – your life has eternal significance – what you do in this world matters because it is part of God’s kingdom.
It means our ambitions need to line up with God’s purposes in the world.
It means that for those who are in pursuit of God’s kingdom are in pursuit of a good life – and one where needs are provided…there is no need to be anxious.
It means that our children will be raised with a different view of the world, and people, and God and themselves.
Let me ask you – as you think about what it is that you desire – what is driving you –when you think about how you would define “a good life,” do you give any thought at all to the fact that Jesus calls people to “seek first God’s kingdom and His righteousness?” – is that your first priority when leading your decision making?”
If not perhaps you need to ask yourself a few questions:
Perhaps you need ask if you are part of God’s kingdom and if not why not. The truth is I don’t think you can pursue God’s kingdom and righteousness apart from God. I don’t think you can ignore Christ and just try to be good. I’m pretty certain that if Jesus is the one pointing toward this vision of the world then God intended for people to consider Christ and what He’s saying in the process. I don’t think we get to pick and choose what we like and discard the rest.
If you have put your faith in Christ – trusted Him for salvation and look to Him as your only hope – but you realize that you are not seeking God’s kingdom first – that’s okay – this is a good time for you to pray and ask the Lord Jesus – by His Spirit to help you.
Honestly – even as a pastor – I have to do this all the time because the cares of the world sidetrack me easily…but God is faithful. In my own family I have been guilty of driving my kids to think about their future – not so much because they are part of God’s work in the world – part of God’s kingdom – but as a means to an end – an end toward happiness.
I mean – the vision/image of a good life that I’ve passed on to my sons is one shaped – to some degree – not by God’s kingdom but by, well, perhaps the American Dream. However, I recognize my failure in this. I think life is more than a good education, job, etc. Life isn’t supposed to be all anxiety. I think Jesus is right. I think the right vision is a vision of the kingdom. I want to help my sons have that vision. I want to have that vision of seeking God’s kingdom and righteous – I want to pass that along and not a roll of Tums.
“Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” (Matthew 6:31-33 ESV)
This statement of Jesus may seem to contradict what I said earlier about him. Remember, I said whatever it is that you believe or don’t believe about Jesus there is something undeniable about Him. Jesus understands people. It might seem that Jesus saying, “don’t be anxious” to folks could be either ironic or cruel. Because the simple truth is that people are anxious – very anxious – about lots of things. That is not only true of adults – it is true for children and students as well. I am not a professional counselor. I am a pastor who has worked with families, children and students since 1992. In that time I’ve done a good bit of pastoral counseling (I often refer folks to professional counseling). A common concern has been anxiety and children. Some of the anxiety is over children, i.e., the parents have concerns over the child’s future, their attitudes, their grades, their friends, their habits. Some of the anxiety belongs to the kids, i.e., the child is suffering from an anxiety disorder. Some of the parents anxiety may be their marriage, some with their kids, some with family finances, some with jobs, some with a desire to be happy. I don’t downplay the reality of any of those things and the impact they have on how families work. However, what my experiences has done for me is helped me to be reflective. First – with my family. I wonder how I’m doing as a dad –how my sons are doing with me as a dad (not to mention how I’m doing as a husband). Second – I try to think about what it is that Jesus has said – and here is one of the things he said specifically about being anxious: “do not be anxious…” My first reaction to this is normally – honestly – “well no kidding.” The question that comes up isn’t “why not?” Most people do not like being anxious. It is a human response to want equilibrium. But the truth of the matter is we all have a proclivity for anxiety – even our kids. Something makes all of us anxious. Perhaps we ought to be honest about that. Perhaps we ought to be thinking of ways to deal with it – because it is real. I don’t think it is possible for us to just ignore anxiety. I think we are supposed to deal with the things that make us that way. Because what makes you anxious just might make your kids anxious too. The effects of anxiety are well-known and numerous – and we ought to deal with it. So the question really isn’t “why not?” Rather the question is, how? Does Jesus really intend for people not to be anxious? Well – it might be helpful to notice what it is that Jesus said folks shouldn’t be anxious about. In verse 31 he says, “Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’” Most folks that I know – and most of the folks who will read this – are concerned about what we eat, drink and wear – just not in the way that the first folks who heard this were. It is important to remember that every part of the Bible has a context. What I mean is that every book of the Bible (there are 66 total – 39 in the Hebrew Testament and 27 in the New Testament), and every chapter and verse was written at a specific time with a particular audience in mind. What makes the Bible amazing is that it can still speak into the lives of folks in the 21st century. So –Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount – in fact His life and work – was in the first century. As you know those folks actually were anxious about their next meal and how they were going to feed their children. They actually were anxious about what they were going to drink – not only did they have to dig wells – but they had to be concerned about the quality of water – in ways that we don’t. And they were anxious over what they were going to wear – it wasn’t as much about fashion as it was a matter of protection from sun and cold. Most folks were anxious about what they were going to eat, drink and wear for survival. In a sense what Jesus is talking about are essentials. In those days folks were anxious about the essentials for living. So are we. We are just as concerned about what it takes to survive in the 21st century as folks were in the 1st century. I don’t think Jesus is trying to give people a hard time. I think he’s trying to speak truth into our lives. He seems to know that we get anxious – particularly about things that we believe to be essential for living – or perhaps what we image to be essential for living. He seems to be suggesting that we don’t need to be anxious but rather focused on something else. I know I get anxious about things that I have defined as essential for living a good life and I’m passing that along to my sons. I’m not trying to live in the lap of luxury and I’m not trying to pass that on to my sons. And yet I get anxious about the essentials. Do you? Are you passing your anxiety on to your kids? Are you anxious that you will not be able to give them the essentials for the good life that you’ve imagined for you and your family – for your future? Lots of folks are. I think it is one of the things that drives our culture – anxiety, fear, chasing an image – or perhaps what we might call an essential. So Jesus is saying that folks are not to be anxious about essentials for living – even, perhaps, what we image are the essentials for a good life. So why is it that Jesus is telling us not to be anxious? Why shouldn’t we be anxious about essentials? Well – I think because he wants to give shape to our image of a good life – and what is really essential. I think he wants us to know something in order for us not to be anxious. Perhaps I’ll share more about that tomorrow…
The other day I was cruising across town flipping through radio stations like I do with the TV remote. I’m not sure what I was looking for (okay, probably ACDC or some other metal which is hard to find on FM). For some reason I stopped on easy listening or soft rock or something. A song came on that I had not heard in years (not that I missed it). It was Lionel Richie singing Easy. The chorus of that song is somewhat catchy – one line caught my attention. Richie sings, “That’s why I’m easy – easy like Sunday morning.” The thought ran through my head, “What the heck is he talking about? Easy like Sunday morning? Has he ever taken kids to worship on a Sunday morning?!”
For a lot of families Sunday morning can be one of the most frustrating times of the week. Sitting with kids during a morning worship service, for some families, is akin to some form of punishment. Truth be told, sitting around some families during a worship service can be form of punishment for other folks as well. I understand the challenges. I also understand the benefits and the dangers for families who do not worship together.
Over the years I have become more and more convinced that churches & families ought to do the hard work of being together – with kids – for corporate worship. Believe me, I’m not naïve. I know that it can be a struggle. I do think that churches should offer child-care for children up to the age of five – but beyond that – I think kids need to participate in worship.
What does that mean?
Well it means that those in charge of putting worship together will have to be aware and account for every pair of shoes in the room. That’s not to say that everything must be “kidded down” but rather “kid friendly.” It means that worship leaders and preachers should think about how the service will be heard and experienced by little ones. This is so important because kids will not one day be part of the church but they are already part of the church. Believe it or not – kids do pick up on what is going on in worship. They can actually listen and take part – if they are helped to participate by those who are putting things together.
But the onus is not just on the worship leaders and pastors – it’s on parents as well.
This may seem harsh but worship is not a break from parenting. I’ve heard that before from some folks – and believe me – my heart goes out to them. Raising kids is not a simple calling. It is tough and sometimes parents want and need a break. But in all honestly, worship is not the right time for a break.
A good friend of mine who has raised four boys – and I mean boys who have become men – said something to me one day about the work of helping kids to worship. She said to remind parents that this is just a stage – a time that families are passing and that part of their act of worship each Sunday morning is to help their children learn to worship. In other words, parents must parent as an act of worship.
What’s happening in worship? Well, in a nutshell we are learning to reorder our love – moving it away from ourselves toward God the Father, Son and Spirit. That is not easy for adults let alone a child. Have you ever heard a child say, “Mine!” and refuse to share? Perhaps one reason helping our children to worship is so difficult is because we are trying to help them overcome human nature, teaching them they are not the center of the universe – God is.
It is not just worship leaders, pastors and parents who need to work on this – it is the whole church community. The Christian church is supposed to be a community of people – called together by God through work of Christ enabled by the Spirit. We are not individuals. We are a corporate body. That means that we need each other and we need to help each other. There will be times when families enter our worship who have little to no experience in a worship service. We need to figure out ways to help them and their children to adjust to what is taking place. We need to be patient and kind and we need to look around the room with a great deal of warmth and gentleness in our expressions.
There is nothing easy about a Sunday morning. Getting up, getting dressed, heading out with kids in tow on a Sunday in our culture is tough. Some of that has to do with the breakneck pace we live during the week (sports, music lessons, etc, etc). But it is so important for children to see and participate in worship. It is important for them to hear a congregation pray – a congregation confess sin – a congregation give thanks to God for His forgiveness – a congregation to sing – a congregation to partake of the Lord’s Supper – and a congregation respond to Scripture. It is not easy but it is worth the work that it is supposed to take.
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Some Practical Help:
Here’s something Sherry and I have found to be helpful – and believe me – Sherry and I have the same challenges that a lot of folks do – we have three boys who are all boy all the time. Sunday mornings can be anything but easy at our house – but here is something that has been useful.
On the way to church we talk about where we are going and we ask them why. We try to focus their attention on the fact that we worship as a response to God’s love (we are trying to shape our family by the law of love and shalom). We try to see if they can tell us ways that they know God loves them. We also talk about ways that we need to love God more with our whole hearts – as a way to think about confession of sin.
After the service we generally talk about what they heard in Sunday School (for our youngest) and Student Ministry for our older two. Sherry came up with three questions she asks about the sermon. They work in our context but you may want to come up with some of your own. One of us will ask: 1) Who preached? 2) What was the text? 3) What was one thing the pastor said that you heard and meant something to you?
Worshiping as a family is work. But it is so important that parents communicate the importance of worship to their children. It will shape their expectation and their understanding of what it means to be followers of Christ. That needs to be reinforced by the worship leaders, pastors and the congregation as a whole.
I’m in my last leg of DMin classes at Covenant. Today, we started a discussion on the subject of worship. Mark Dalbey presented the class with a question – just a simple – get to know you and what you hope to get from this class sort of question. We went around the room – starting with me (even though I always sit in the wayyy back). My question is very much related to what is going on at TPC right now. It is the question of the sacraments (particularly the Lord’s Supper) and how they fit into worship. Should they be done weekly? Is the Lord’s Supper primarily about edification or missional? How missional is the Lord’s Supper? And who should distribute the elements?
One of the reasons that last part came up has to do with the struggle TPC is facing regarding the role of women in leadership – and the desire for some to have women serving the elements – and the counter desire of some not to have women serve. Dalbey wanted very much to answer all the questions from all the folks in the room – but he restrained himself. However, in his brief lecture he touched on something. He pointed out that one aspect of a worship service is that it is done under the “oversight of Elders & utilizing gifts of the congregation.”
I found that interesting and at the same time it opened up a host of questions for me. How does that relate to my questions? How does this give shape to the sacraments?
Who knows if one day Sherry and I will one day watch a major motion picture that our son directed, or ask our son for medical advice, or laugh in a crowd at the jokes of our youngest (I’ve given him a lot of material to work with). But, at least at this point, I can see that what they say they want to do is consistent with who they are.
Mark A Hutton 