It is New Years Eve. I suppose I should have a list of resolutions. I don’t and I don’t plan on having any. The truth is I don’t feel like lying to myself or anyone else. Unless something happens in the next few hours I’ll probably be the same guy tomorrow that I am now. What I mean is that I’m bringing the same guy into this year that I had with me all of last year – and he hasn’t changed all that much. Sure, I’ve gotten older and I did learn some things in 2012. In fact in resolving to be unresolved I’m actually putting into practice something I learned last year about change.
Change happens because our hearts change – and with the heart our attitudes – and with our attitudes our lives. So – why lie and say I’m resolved to lose weight by going and doing things I hate and making myself miserable. Sure, I’ll do that for a while but it isn’t going to be long before I find a way to opt out of that program. I’ll endure it but my heart and attitude will not change and thus my life will not change either. Resolutions always end up that way for me.
Which means the weight I intended to lose last year will still be hanging around – even if I change my diet for while and start a rigorous exercise plan. If I’m eating food I hate and enduring exercising at the gym you can bet before long I’ll be making excuses (lying to me) to get out of going. So – why start the year off with a lie?
Nope – I’m into telling the truth – especially to me. So I’m resolved to be unresolved especially as it relates to change. I’ve done a bunch of research over the last few years on the subject of change. Real change happens when people wake up to something big – something pushes them (conflict, tension, pain, truth) to do the hard work that is necessary to really, really change. Frankly, looking good in a bathing suit is not a real motivator for me to do the hard work to lose a lot of weight.
But my family is. While I am resolved to be unresolved about making New Years Resolutions I am resolved to loving my family. In fact I’ve very willing to do the hard work for them that is necessary to be around for a while – and healthy while I’m here.
Resolutions don’t do much for me – except make me lie to myself and others about how I’m planning to change. But start talking to me about what I love and I’ll probably be willing to do whatever it takes to get “the job done.”
That’s what happened to me earlier this month. Since moving to St. Louis back in July I’ve gotten to know a hand-full of folks. I’m learning that people here are pretty good folks. Well – one man is becoming what I call a good friend. Friendship is not a word I throw around lightly. A friend to me is a person who lives out of the law of love – which means they are willing to risk offending you to tell you the truth about YOU.
This man – who is older than I am by nearly 35 years – took me out for coffee. As we sat together he asked me to consider where I would be in 35 years regarding my health. He talked to me about my family – my wife and sons – and then suggested that I start taking better care of myself now. He asked about my dad (who died at 51 from a heart attack) and encouraged me to think about how that affected me and how I thought it would impact my kids. He also talked about the fact that if I started doing what it takes now – by the time I hit his age – well – I’d be a lot healthier, able to do more with my family.
My friend hit me in the right spot – the heart. He didn’t talk about death and dying, he talked to me out of the law of love – and what I love.
So – since that conversation I’ve been exercising every day. I’m eating way healthier.
I’m trying harder to do a little self-care. Not for me – but for those I love. I don’t need a resolution for that. My attitude has changed and I’m willing to do things I hate because of those I love.
The author goes on to point out that giving people the facts or even talking to them about crisis (heart disease is a serious crisis) isn’t enough to get most folks to change. Yes it will for the short-term perhaps but not the long-term – where it is real change. Human beings resist change – even when we know it will help us. But when we are not only hit with facts but with “feelings” as well – then real change can occur. Alan Deutschman
, the article’s author, quotes John Kotter insight, “Behavior change happens mostly by speaking to people’s feelings…In highly successful change efforts, people find ways to help others see the problems or solutions in ways that influence emotions, not just thoughts.”
Well – there you have it. I am resolved to be unresolved about making any sort of New Years resolutions. I don’t feel guilty about that at all because I am resolved to make real change because I love my family and – while I’m around I don’t want to be round.
Happy New Year!
Oh – one more little treat – here is a great poem by Wendell Berry.
For God’s sake, be done
with this jabber of “a better world.”
What blasphemy! No “futuristic”
twit or child thereof ever
in embodied light will see
a better world than this.
Do something! Go cut the weeds
beside the oblivious road. Pick up
the cans and bottles, old tires,
and dead predictions. No future
can be stuffed into this presence
except by being dead. The day is
clear and bright, and overhead
the sun not yet half finished
with his daily praise.
~ Wendell Berry ~