The Beauty of Waiting in Line

supermarket_

I generally run right on time, which leaves little to no room for error and no time for slow drivers or waiting in line. What it does leave time for are life lessons – whether I want them or not.

For instance, a few days ago I was in a hurry to get from one thing to the next – which included a stop at the grocery store. I loathe shopping of any sort – except for books – and grocery shopping is the worst. I wanted and needed to get in and out of the store quickly. I zipped my buggy through the produce department – aptly grabbing the bit of fruit and veg we needed to at least appear health conscious. I took the turn down the cereal aisle, deftly avoiding a dreaded delay created by two weary moms who stopped to chat – mid aisle. My buggy driving ability was nothing short of inspiring – almost NASCAR worthy.

Within thirty minutes, I managed to get everything we needed to survive (including a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup). Then, I made my way to the front of the store. I made a quick study of the lines, found the shortest one, and began my wait – and wait I did.

I started to get impatient (yet another character flaw). Lines I had passed over moved, while mine crawled. Even one of the moms from the cereal aisle checked out faster than me (I swear I think she sneered at me). I strained to look down the line to see what the delay was. I started to gruffly move to another line. Then I discovered the reason; a forty-ish woman with special needs stood to the left of the cashier and bagged groceries.

My need for speed shifted into shame and gratitude. The grocery store where we often shop employs a number of people with special needs. I had forgotten that. I felt like a real jerk. I decided to stay in my line.grocery store

I was forced to slow down – to wait –as this woman meticulously bagged groceries – just as she had been trained. She did a great job. Eventually, after she carefully bagged my groceries, she thanked me for shopping and wished me a good day.

My grocer is doing something profoundly beautiful and redemptive by offering real work – important work – to a number of people in my community who have tremendous gifts to offer. I don’t know their motives (I’m sure there is an economic reason). What I do know is that I got to witness someone putting their best effort in simply putting my groceries in a bag.

Now, if I can just get these folks around here to drive a bit faster…

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Steps to Perfect Kids

parenting-classes-300X300I came across another article the other day that promised steps to the perfect party for kids. That was on the heels of flipping through a magazine, which highlighted the perfect bedroom for a kid, and an article on the perfect kid friendly vacation spots. There was even an ad for school, which offered the perfect environment for a child’s education. I immediately felt a rise in my anxiety levels because, given the nature of our lives, I can’t possibly provide perfection.

Parents, if you don’t already know it, are some of the most fearful, anxious people on anxietythe planet. We spend tons of resources (time, money, etc.,) on trying to assure that our children have all they can ever need so that they have the perfect childhood – which will in turn lead to a perfect life. Books and articles that promise pathways to perfection get bounced around social media like celebrity gossip.

At one point I had over fifteen parenting books on my bookshelf most from a Christian perspective. Many of them promised to deliver a parenting strategy that would lead to great, well-adjusted kids. The trouble was that they were all different in their approaches – some even contradictory to the other.

Parenting5tipsIt was confusing and overwhelming and at times alarming. I am smart enough to realize that there is little chance that I can perfectly put any of these “tips” into practice. However, these articles and books come with an implicit warning. Failure, on my part, according to the purveyors and peddlers of parenting advice, is certain to cause my kids to plummet into nothingness. What pressure!

On the one hand, I know parents who are so resigned that they are “messing their kids up” that they jokingly say they aren’t saving for their kid’s education but rather for their therapy bill. On the other hand, a dad actually said to me, “Mark if you do these five Biblical things you will have great kids – I can guarantee it. If you don’t, well I’ll pray for you and your kids.” While on opposite ends of the spectrum both parents have something in common – they are both anxious about parental perfection.

For the last twenty years I have worked with parents and students in one capacity or another. I have yet to meet the perfect parent with the perfect parenting strategy and the resulting perfect kids. And yet somehow I fell into the quagmire of attempting parental perfection when my sons came along. I found myself rummaging through books and articles, trying to find some morsel that would help me as a dad. I actually tried to make things perfect and I failed, miserably. It is nearly impossible to rise above the pressure from our culture’s pursuit of parenting perfectionism.

I learned something, in the midst of my anxious rush to find the pathway to perfection; I don’t want perfect kids – or even perfect parties. I want kids of character. Character comes from the ways we handle imperfection in ourselves and in others. The world isn’t a perfect place. Parental anxiety comes from trying to create perfection in a world that is full of flaws and broken-ness.

I don’t want perfect kids – or even perfect parties. I want kids of character. Character comes from the ways we handle imperfection in ourselves and in others.

Because we are prone to messing up we need to be patient with others and ourselves. Sure, we want to become better people but a better person doesn’t mean perfect. Better may mean being self-aware enough to know and admit my faults, failures and quirks so that I can overlook/forgive others their faults, failures and quirks. Perhaps that is the thing we can give our kids to shape their character.

There is a passage in the Bible that, while talking to people in Christian community, says a lot about seeing others and ourselves as we are and doing something about it. Parenting is about shaping the character of our children and that comes from interacting with our mess and the mess of other people. This text from the Bible speaks to that. It is in a letter from a man named Paul to people he loved. He wanted them to know the blessing of living in community, so he wrote that they ought to put on,

beatitudes in stained glass

compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. (Colossians 3:12-15, ESV) 

Our kids live in a world where they are going to have to bear with other people – because people are going to have to bear with them. Parents need to break away from the lie of perfectionism and embrace reality. We do not live in a perfect world with perfect people. Our kids are not perfect. They like all of us have stuff in their hearts that they need to be aware of. We live in a real world where people and circumstances are not always fun, nice and easy. Character comes when as we navigate through the tough things both in our hearts and in our world. It starts with parents being real about their stuff – and allowing their children to witness the way they go through things – faults and all. It brings relief from the lie of perfectionism as parents allow their kids to see them growing in character, too.

Telling my kids I love them is something I try to do all the time. The truth is sometimes my “I love you” is overshadowed by the fact that I wasn’t paying attention to what they were saying. Or worse, as I drive them to school, blasting them for something they did or did not do. Then saying, “Love you” as they get out of the car – as if saying I love you will cover a multitude of sins.

It is clear in those moments to my kids and to me that I am not perfect. I need to own that and preëmpt the conversation and say, “I’m sorry. I blew it with you. Will you forgive me for that? I’ll try to do a better job next time” and then really work on doing better. After all, parenting is all about shaping the character of our kids but how can I give shape to their character if I’m not working on mine – in front of them.

growing-up

Trying to achieve perfection in parenting is bound to create anxiety – especially since we are not perfect people and do not live in a perfect world. It is far better to help our children learn the ways of character by helping them to deal with the good parts and the not so good parts of life. We are all a work in progress and the progress is life-long and not merely through childhood and adolescents. Perhaps we can let our children know that they are not the only ones growing up and getting better – their parents are, too.

Taylor Swift as A Countercultural Icon & Shaping the Moral Lives Part 2

*This is Part 2 of a blog I started Yesterday about Shaping the Moral Lives of Kids. It may be helpful if you read this article first http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-12-01/taylor-swift-as-counterculture-icon-for-teens-commentary-by-amity-shlaes.html

While I am grateful that Swift is “systematically pro-parent and pro-family” the reason that this article grabbed my attention has more to do with how the moral lives of emerging adults have been shaped or not shaped, as the case may be. It is not provocative in the least to suggest that moral habits, imaginations and characters of emerging adults have been shaped more by celebrity, media and popular culture than by values of their parents, their church, and their community. But it should be provocative.

In his book, Lost in Transition: The Dark Side of Emerging Adulthood, Christian Smith, Professor in the Department of Sociology at Notre Dame, points to recent research from the National Survey on Youth and Religion. From conducting hundreds of interviews since 2001 they point out that an alarming number of young adults do not have a what may be considered a moral center. It isn’t that they do not know what is right and wrong – good or evil  – necessarily – but it becomes an issue of moral relativism and or situational. While it may not be right for me I can’t say it is wrong for someone else. And – while I may not want someone to steal from me – or cheat off my exam – it is not necessarily wrong. It is difficult for them to define what is right and what is wrong.

This has a profound impact on their morality. This works itself out in many ways, not the least of which is the abuse of alcohol, drugs, consumerism, and sexual promiscuity. While this may not seem like anything new under the sun – there is a reason to be concerned. For these emerging adults these over indulgent practices are the norm.

The fact of how much influence the wider culture has on writing the scripts for what is normative in the lives of emerging adults is well known. Yet, Smith points out that these young men and women are deeply marked, shaped, and taught by what they perceive or have been directly or indirectly taught is the “norm.” For instance, why doesn’t it surprise us that a university student will be exposed to overt alcohol use – even when the majority of undergrads are still underage? Why doesn’t it seem odd that the university is a “normal” place where young men and women push the limits of sobriety and sexuality? When and how did it become the “norm”? It doesn’t matter where you went to school. It doesn’t matter if you were determined not to take part in any sort of the party life – you still expected to meet it and that is considered the “norm.” The trouble is, intoxication (whether from alcohol or drugs) and sexual promiscuity, according to Smith, are what is expected. In other words, there is nothing morally wrong with this picture. There is no right and no wrong – it is relative.

When was the last time you thought that being wasted was okay – just part of what people do multiple evenings a week? It is a normal part of what people do – a sort of “social lubricant.”

While we want to believe that we are independent thinkers and making decision based on our own desires – that we are the “captain of our own fate” – it seems to be that, at least for emerging adults – that decisions are heavily influenced by what has become a cultural norm. The trouble seems to be that some of the most important cultural cues are either gone or they have shifted. In essence there once was a sense that drinking may have its place but always in control and not to excessively. But if Smith is right that has slipped and the norm now, for many in his study, being intoxicated is a part of living. It is part of the norm. The same is true for sexual behavior. Both are seen as recreational.

The question arises for me – and perhaps for others – how are we as a community to “stop the madness.” Is it good and right for people to spend their lives running after money, a solid buzz and sex – especially when they’ve been shaped to believe that it is the normal thing to do – a normal part of growing up? Is it good and right and culturally responsible to abdicate the shaping of the moral lives, imaginations and character or children to people other than parents? Rather, should that role be given over to government who are legally bound to say or do nothing controversial (which doesn’t form character and kills imagination and virtue). Or – should the shaping of the moral life, imagination and character be given to the broader culture which seems to be ongoing?

Of course – this is a straw-man argument at the same time someone – somewhere – taught that during adolescents – it is the norm for kids to push away from parents – and parents ought to take a step back. That’s supposed to be norm – and we are supposed to follow the norm. It is to be expected. From what I can tell parents are supposed to be engaged in the lives of their children – until the parents are laid in the grave. Granted the relationship has to mature and grown but it is not normal for their to be a wholesale rejection of the parents role in the lives of their kids during adolescence. There doesn’t have to be an antagonist relationship between parents and their teenage kids.

As thankful as I am that Taylor Swift is pro-family / pro-parent isn’t it strange that is news worthy? Why is it not the norm? It should be strange and outrageous that anyone would be anti-family / anti-parent. But they are.

I hope I’m right about this. I hope I’m right about parents staying engaged in the life of their kids. I hope that Taylor Swift is able to influence the young women of our country in  great ways. The last thing I want is for my sons and I to have a bad relationship. It could happen – but it doesn’t have to – it isn’t the “norm.” But the truth of the matter is that a lot of our families are being shaped more by what culture mandates as the norm than by what is true and good and right. More of our young women are being shaped by what Taylor Swift says and does than we’d like to admit. But at least Taylor seems to have it right. And for that – I’m thankful.

Check out the article: http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-12-01/taylor-swift-as-counterculture-icon-for-teens-commentary-by-amity-shlaes.html

“Taylor Swift as Countercultural Icon” & Shaping the Moral Life

Taylor Swift as Counterculture Icon for Teen Girls: by Amity Shlaes

I don’t have daughters – not planning on having any either. My three sons, however, have asked at different times for a sister. Having three sisters, I don’t blame them for asking; sisters are awesome – at least mine are.

But while I wouldn’t mind adding a daughter to our mix – that’s probably not in the cards for us anyway – I am very much aware of the challenges of raising daughters today. I’m not saying that any one generation has had an easier time parenting than another. However, I do believe how the moral lives, imaginations and characters of young men and women are formed this age has its own unique challenges. Part of the uniqueness comes from the prolific and powerful force of celebrity, media, and popular culture in general. We do not like to admit it but these things carry weight – they do bear an influence on children, families, and communities.

Celebrity, media, and popular culture impact the way that Sherry and I parent our sons and we, like most parents, are very intentional about what we allow our sons to be exposed to. The simple fact that we have to be vigilant when it comes to music, sports, magazines, books, billboards, not to mention the web, TV, Netflix, radio, iPods, video games and movies, speaks to the reality that parents face. Most parents that I know are concerned, wanting to make sure that their kids don’t hear or see things that they shouldn’t. But it is not easy. Foul language, overt sexuality and nudity, and adult themes are so prevalent it is better to prepare kids than try to hide them from it.

It is difficult not to stand back with a certain degree of trepidation as I think what it must be like for moms and dads to lovingly try to shape a young women’s moral life, imagination and character for the good. That seems all the more daunting when she is being bombarded by so many other messages of what is good and normal for a young woman. It becomes an even greater challenge if parents are the least concerned about her spiritually.

As a pastor to families I think about the challenge of parenting a great deal. It becomes all the more challenging given the constant messages that bombard young women (men too) about what is beautiful – but even more than that – what is the norm when it comes to intimacy. Recently I’ve been surprised at what is considered “normal” or simply “common practice,” or “what’s expected.”

Last night I was watching TV with Sherry and a commercial came on. I’m not sure what was being advertised. It showed a couple out rock climbing together in some remote place – giving the full impression they were off on a romantic excursion. The voice over said something like, “My boyfriend and I were going on vacation and…” I’m not sure what she said after that because I was stuck on that one line. It just struck me how that lined just flowed. It wasn’t all that long ago (I’m not that old) when that was not the norm. Guys and their girlfriends may have snuck off on vacation together but they did just that, snuck off. I know this has been the norm on sit-coms for a long time but this was the first commercial I’ve ever seen that acknowledges boyfriend/girlfriends going on vacation together. Suddenly – this is the norm. This is what is expected. This is an option now. But then there is more.

Research from The National Marriage Project at UVA points out “that over half of all first marriages in the U.S. are preceded by the couple living together.” The research also points out that 75-80% of high school seniors said having a good marriage and family life is ‘extremely important’ to them. However, close to half of the same group did not think they would stay married to the same person for life.” At some point this became the “norm” for relationships. In other words, parents raising girls should not just be talking about the fairy tale wedding, the grand proposal but now their girls can dream about the day she gets to ask her boyfriend to move in with her.

I’m not sure when this became the norm but it is. Our culture doesn’t seem to have a moral center – perhaps it never really did (although I think it did); it is seemingly lost in some weirdness that is difficult to name. That weirdness finds its way into the hearts and minds of students impacting the way they think of things as the “norm.” That  impacts everything from what they eat, wear, go to school, when and how much they drink, what sort of drugs they will do, and with whom they will have sex. In other words, it is less of a question and more of an expectation that they will take part in these things. It is part of their social life. This makes parenting – shaping the moral lives, imaginations, and characters of our kids that much more of a challenge.

Tonight, I was listening to NPR on my way home from work. The interview was about getting tested for HIV. A startling stat they mentioned was that “one of every four new cases of HIV involves a teenager.” The blame for this, according to those being interviewed was, that “sex education programs” because they put “an emphasis on chastity rather than condoms.” In fact one man said to, “expect young people to wait until they’re 25 or 30 is really unrealistic, and nobody is waiting.  I mean you maybe have 5-10% who are waiting, but the vast majority are not.” He went on to claim that he is, “running into kids 11 and 12 that are admitting they’re having sex. In my surveys, that’s about 10-15%  of the teen population, so it’s low, but the fact that it’s amazing they’re starting this young, and over a period of the teen years, let’s say from 12, 13-19,  they are falling in and out of love with different boyfriends and girlfriends in high school, so they might have as many as four different partners by the time they reach 18 or 19.  When they go to college and then in college and are hooking up, you know, one night stands, and alcohol and drugs fuel a lot of these bad decisions, and what you’re finding is that a lot of these young people are now having multiple partners.”

Notice the norm – the expectation. Kids are going to do drugs and drink and have sex. We should expect it. That is just part of our social fabric. So lets give them condoms so at least they will not get HIV.

I have to say I was a little shocked by what I heard – not the stats, not that kids are having sex. I was surprised by the resignation of all moral values. Rather than asking larger questions like how to shape the moral lives, imaginations and characters of young men and women the answer, which seems to be nation-wide is, “well, this is normal. It’s what kids do. Give ’em a condom and teach them how to have the conversation about putting it on with their partner.” And in the same sentence we discover we are talking about middle school kids.

This is a tricky time for parents. Lots of people say things without thinking about the norms of our culture – and those things are impacting the lives of kids and their families. It is difficult for kids and parents to push back against what is considered “normal.” But an article came through my email today that I found refreshing and hopeful.

Up until today I didn’t know a lot about Taylor Swift; I’ve heard some of her music and I think she has a great voice but I wouldn’t have said I was a fan. But now – I’m a huge fan.

First because she seems to get it – what she says matters – and that includes lyrics. She is impacting a generation of young girls. She seems to know that. She seems to understand the seriousness of the role she is playing. Her voice and words are being carried into the hearts and minds of young girls perhaps in ways that the voice of parents are not being heard.

The good thing, according to the article (Taylor Swift as Counterculture Icon for Teen Girls by Amity Shlaes), Taylor is not dissing on mom and dad and she is not anti-family. That is deliberate on her part. That is going to shape the moral life, imagination, and character of these young women – and potentially for the good.

Second, I’m a fan because she seems to be saying the right things about moms and dads – about family. That doesn’t happen very often and she is saying it to girls directly – but we all know where the girls go – the guys go (if they are smart). It is truly countercultural because another part of the norm is that teenagers – perhaps especially girls – are not supposed to have a good relationship with their parents.

Years ago, back in the dark ages of the early 90’s, I began working with high school students – first as a coach and then as a minister. One thing became clear right away – parents were not involved directly. They cared for their student. They loved them and wanted them to be involved but they parents knew their place – and knew to keep a distance.

Somehow it was the standard stance, parents had been formed by some unwritten law that they were not be all that involved with their teenager. It seemed like parents were helpless and fearful – not knowing how to approach their own child. It was like watching an odd sort of dance or ballet where parents tried to learn the steps from the hormone rattled, adolescent kids.

What is more, kids felt the same way. It was part of some rite of passage that a student was to tell their parents off and to get a little wild, or resentful toward overly strict parents. That was the cultural script – the norm. Kids needed their space. I thought it was sort of odd. My own teenage years were really messed up after my dads death (I was a freshman) so I was having trouble relating. At the same time I thought it was strange that parents suddenly disappeared from their kids lives to some extent. It wasn’t that parents were not around – they were everywhere but sort of nowhere at the same time. They had been told to stay away – sometimes by their kids and sometimes by a cultural cue.

I remember asking about this one day. I was sort of wondering out loud to an “expert.” I suggested that parents should not be less involved but involved in different ways – especially in places like church and school. Teen years are not easy – so why would we pull the most mature people back from them at that time. His answer was kids need to “individuate from their parents, to become independent and form the important peer-to-peer relationships.”

But I don’t think we actually ever individuate as human beings. I mean our personalities form – but even still there is some part of our parents and family tied into the way we live and see the world. And – most parents want their children to have a sense of independence in that they are able to act as human beings, be productive, use their gifts and abilities. But even then I don’t think independence is the right word. Because, no one is really independent of another and I’m confident it is a bad idea for parents and kids to become independent of one another relationally. That never turns out well.

And yet, part of the culture script is that parents are not supposed to be engaged and involved in the lives of their teenage son or daughter. But that can’t be the way things are supposed to be – in fact I’m sure of it. We are supposed to be in one another lives. That should be the cultural norm – and we ought to want the good of others.

In Genesis 1-3 we read that God created all things – including Adam and Eve. He first made Adam but it did not take God long to make Eve. The Bible says it was “because it was not good for man to live alone.” From that I take it that God intended for human beings to live in community – in a right relationship with each other, with ourselves, with creation and, most importantly, with God.

That’s why things get weird when we try to pull apart – dissecting instead of integrating. Peter Block wrote, The need to create a structure of belonging grows out of the isolated nature of our lives, our institutions, and our communities. The absence of belonging is so widespread that we might say we are living in an age of isolation, imitating the lament from early in the last century, when life was referred to as the age of anxiety…Our isolation occurs because western culture, our individualistic narrative, the inward attention of our institutions and our professions, and the messages from our media fragment us. We are broken into pieces.

What I observed over the last twenty plus years is that kids don’t seem to actually individuate nor become independent. It may not be for lack of trying – and having met some of their parents I don’t blame them. But they usually end up looking for community – a place or group to belong. And they listen to what others are endorsing as what is normal for them to think, feel, wear, eat, drink, etc. So – just as the cultural norm is saying that parents ought to take a back seat and kids should want them to – there are other voices that are piping in through their ear buds and iPods – doing the job that their parents are actually supposed to be doing.

The good thing is that one of those voices, at least right now, is Taylor Swift. She is certainly pointed young women in the right direction – toward their parents and family – and that is good. The hope is that parents are plugged up to something that is giving them the same message and they are moving toward their kids. It is indeed a two way street and it is important that rather than individuating and becoming independent kids and parents learn more about building family – for a lifetime. It is equally important for parents to help give shape to the moral lives, imaginations and characters of their children – they can’t do that if the cultural norm is saying to disengage.

More to come…