When Moon Goes to Sleep

yawning moon

When Moon Goes to Sleep©
By Mark A. Hutton

I can tell from your yawn,
You are sleepy and tired.
Time for bed.
Time for sweet dreams from Moon’s beams.

What’s that you say?
It’s not bed time yet?
Don’t you know?
Moon can’t sleep until you’re rested?

Moon gets sleepy too.
He’s up shining all night.
That’s how we get sweet dreams,
They travel down Moon’s beams.

Don’t wait any longer.
Climb into that bed.
Lay down your head,
I see Moon’s beams.

But, when morning comes,
And Moon goes to sleep,
Will you tell me what you dreamed?

Were there castles and knights?
Did dragons really fly?
Did the king and queen look like you and me?

When Moon goes to sleep,
Will you tell me what you dreamed?

Were there ships sailing the sea?
Did their sails huff and puff?
Did you save the day and find safe harbor?

When Moon goes to sleep,
Will you tell me what you dreamed?

Did you take a rocket to Saturn?
Did you wear one of the rings?
Or did you walk among the clouds
And simply make it rain?

Sleep now little one.
Let Moon’s beams shine on you,
And bring you sweet dreams.
And when Moon goes to sleep
You can tell me all you dreamed.

sleepy-moon-s-vagabond

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Steps to Perfect Kids

parenting-classes-300X300I came across another article the other day that promised steps to the perfect party for kids. That was on the heels of flipping through a magazine, which highlighted the perfect bedroom for a kid, and an article on the perfect kid friendly vacation spots. There was even an ad for school, which offered the perfect environment for a child’s education. I immediately felt a rise in my anxiety levels because, given the nature of our lives, I can’t possibly provide perfection.

Parents, if you don’t already know it, are some of the most fearful, anxious people on anxietythe planet. We spend tons of resources (time, money, etc.,) on trying to assure that our children have all they can ever need so that they have the perfect childhood – which will in turn lead to a perfect life. Books and articles that promise pathways to perfection get bounced around social media like celebrity gossip.

At one point I had over fifteen parenting books on my bookshelf most from a Christian perspective. Many of them promised to deliver a parenting strategy that would lead to great, well-adjusted kids. The trouble was that they were all different in their approaches – some even contradictory to the other.

Parenting5tipsIt was confusing and overwhelming and at times alarming. I am smart enough to realize that there is little chance that I can perfectly put any of these “tips” into practice. However, these articles and books come with an implicit warning. Failure, on my part, according to the purveyors and peddlers of parenting advice, is certain to cause my kids to plummet into nothingness. What pressure!

On the one hand, I know parents who are so resigned that they are “messing their kids up” that they jokingly say they aren’t saving for their kid’s education but rather for their therapy bill. On the other hand, a dad actually said to me, “Mark if you do these five Biblical things you will have great kids – I can guarantee it. If you don’t, well I’ll pray for you and your kids.” While on opposite ends of the spectrum both parents have something in common – they are both anxious about parental perfection.

For the last twenty years I have worked with parents and students in one capacity or another. I have yet to meet the perfect parent with the perfect parenting strategy and the resulting perfect kids. And yet somehow I fell into the quagmire of attempting parental perfection when my sons came along. I found myself rummaging through books and articles, trying to find some morsel that would help me as a dad. I actually tried to make things perfect and I failed, miserably. It is nearly impossible to rise above the pressure from our culture’s pursuit of parenting perfectionism.

I learned something, in the midst of my anxious rush to find the pathway to perfection; I don’t want perfect kids – or even perfect parties. I want kids of character. Character comes from the ways we handle imperfection in ourselves and in others. The world isn’t a perfect place. Parental anxiety comes from trying to create perfection in a world that is full of flaws and broken-ness.

I don’t want perfect kids – or even perfect parties. I want kids of character. Character comes from the ways we handle imperfection in ourselves and in others.

Because we are prone to messing up we need to be patient with others and ourselves. Sure, we want to become better people but a better person doesn’t mean perfect. Better may mean being self-aware enough to know and admit my faults, failures and quirks so that I can overlook/forgive others their faults, failures and quirks. Perhaps that is the thing we can give our kids to shape their character.

There is a passage in the Bible that, while talking to people in Christian community, says a lot about seeing others and ourselves as we are and doing something about it. Parenting is about shaping the character of our children and that comes from interacting with our mess and the mess of other people. This text from the Bible speaks to that. It is in a letter from a man named Paul to people he loved. He wanted them to know the blessing of living in community, so he wrote that they ought to put on,

beatitudes in stained glass

compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. (Colossians 3:12-15, ESV) 

Our kids live in a world where they are going to have to bear with other people – because people are going to have to bear with them. Parents need to break away from the lie of perfectionism and embrace reality. We do not live in a perfect world with perfect people. Our kids are not perfect. They like all of us have stuff in their hearts that they need to be aware of. We live in a real world where people and circumstances are not always fun, nice and easy. Character comes when as we navigate through the tough things both in our hearts and in our world. It starts with parents being real about their stuff – and allowing their children to witness the way they go through things – faults and all. It brings relief from the lie of perfectionism as parents allow their kids to see them growing in character, too.

Telling my kids I love them is something I try to do all the time. The truth is sometimes my “I love you” is overshadowed by the fact that I wasn’t paying attention to what they were saying. Or worse, as I drive them to school, blasting them for something they did or did not do. Then saying, “Love you” as they get out of the car – as if saying I love you will cover a multitude of sins.

It is clear in those moments to my kids and to me that I am not perfect. I need to own that and preëmpt the conversation and say, “I’m sorry. I blew it with you. Will you forgive me for that? I’ll try to do a better job next time” and then really work on doing better. After all, parenting is all about shaping the character of our kids but how can I give shape to their character if I’m not working on mine – in front of them.

growing-up

Trying to achieve perfection in parenting is bound to create anxiety – especially since we are not perfect people and do not live in a perfect world. It is far better to help our children learn the ways of character by helping them to deal with the good parts and the not so good parts of life. We are all a work in progress and the progress is life-long and not merely through childhood and adolescents. Perhaps we can let our children know that they are not the only ones growing up and getting better – their parents are, too.

Modesty In An Overly Sexed Culture

modesty-poster

Sherry and I have three sons. We, like most parents, love our children – deeply. As a rule, love means we long for, pray for, work for, hope for – do all we can for – their good. It also means we are on the defense, working, as much as possible, to prepare them more than protect them from things that can bring them (and others) harm. That is no easy task, as most parents know. 

One area that poses a threat is the area modesty and our overly sexed culture. Yesterday I watched an interview (on ABC/news) with a woman who is trying to “help.” According to the report 90% of kids (some as young as 8) have been exposed to hardcore pornography. That is troubling on a number of levels, but the woman being interviewed was concerned because of the impact hard-core porn can have on a persons expectations and understanding of intimacy.

Her way of “combatting” the damaging effects is to promote the idea to “make love not porn.” At first I thought she was an anti-porn crusader. But her idea, that is being heralded as a great response to counter the impact of hardcore porn is, well, to create a soft core porn site where ordinary people can post videos of their lovemaking. The emphasis is to showcase real lovemaking / real intimacy between partners as opposed to what hardcore sites offer. She theorizes, since we can’t possibly protect kids from porn then there should be a site that focuses on showing the beauty of lovemaking.

The problem with this idea is that it is still pornography – even if it is soft-core. While she is trying to show the beauty, she is just providing one more site in a world awash with images that have an impact on the ways in which men and women interact with one another. I could make a list of the faulty thinking in this plan, but I will not. However, it is one more challenge to the soul and one more challenge for parents who are striving to raise men and women, not children.

Back-to-schoolOur three young men started back to school this week. It is a reminder that they are getting one step, one year, one grade closer to being on their own. Sherry and I want to prepare them for what that will mean. We can’t protect them, fully, but we can prepare them.

The world is full of foolish things, like attempts to curb the impact of porn by creating another porn site. Our greatest assurance for parents who want to raise men (and women) is that we can help them to see the difference between things that bring wholeness and those things which bring harm – and we can encourage them and help them to work for good. If we are to live out of the law of love (which Jesus commands: love God, love neighbor, love each other) it will mean helping our children to think through what it means to long for, pray for, work for, do all they can for the good of others. Porn, on any level is demeaning to women and men because it reduces human beings to being mere sexual beings, and nothing more. It does not bring about the good of another – it is not love but a false sense of it.

Raising Christian men and women is the task of every Christian parent – within that is the call to live out of Jesus’ law of love. Parents today have challenges in front of them that are different from earlier generations in some respects. Those challenges, however, can be overcome – but not in our strength or wisdom or power or techniques – but in God’s. Raising godly men and women means pointing them toward the God who saves, helps, restores, and is at work in the world. Our children need to see that their parents depend on God as He really is – able and greater than anything else.

In the New Testament book of John (1:5) we read that the “light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.” In other words, God is very much on the move and at work in the world. We have no reason to be afraid of anything. Neither do our children. They need to be ready to live in a world that is broken and yet loved by God. There is darkness in the world but there is also a much more powerful Light – and that Light is the person and work of Jesus – the Self-Expression of God’s great love.

One great way that the Light is at work in the world is through different people who are trying to live out of the law of love. I recently came across a great lecture given by Jessica Ray on Q: Ideas for the Common Good. I’d recommend families watching it with their teenage kids and Jessica Ray at Qtalking about it. Jessica talks about the evolution of the swimsuit and modesty; she does a great job. This actually is a great way to counteract the impact of an overly sex consumed society and culture.

 

 

 

Wrestling God

wrestling medal

I have liked wrestling for some time. No. I don’t mean WWE (although I enjoyed watching a Texas Cage Match with Chief Wahoo McDaniel and Rowdy Rodney Piper once). I mean scholastic, collegiate, Greco-Roman wrestling.http://www.clubs.psu.edu/up/wrestling/documents.htm

I wrestled in high school – gave it a go in college (that did not go well)- and helped out with a few high school teams while working for Young Life and in student ministry. Wrestling is a great sport and I appreciate what it taught me. However, all my experience on the mat did not prepare me for what I experienced when my son took to the mat this past year.

Turns out that he has more natural ability than I ever had. Each week he wrestled in a tournament and I would stand as close to the mat as I could. I stayed quiet, not wanting to shout over his coach, and settled calling out moves into my hand cupped over my mouth. I felt myself  twisting and turning, wrestling an invisible opponents as if simply by body language I could convey a message to him. In some ways I felt as I was on the mat with him and by match end, I was exhausted.

He did very well but he did not win every match. At the end of those matches I wanted to be there for him all the more – but in the right way. I wanted him to move forward. I did not want him to stay stuck in a moment he could not fix. I wanted him to reflect on what had happened, see it for what it was and use it to get better and ready for the next match. His feelings of shame and failure had to move out and be replaced by hope and confidence. I wanted him to know that he was deeply loved – win or lose.

I’ve come to understand that I am not the first dad to stand on the edge of the mat and participate move for move. While it may be difficult to understand or believe, the Old Testament book of Psalms says that God is “our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1, ESV).” This Psalm reminds me that life requires a good bit of wrestling on all our parts – but especially those who have professed faith in Jesus. It also lets me know that God is very present. 

To be present means more than to sit idly by. Some folks have an image of God, if they believe in one, sitting outside of things and not involved. The Bible, however, gives other images of God – including one where God is present in the middle of wrestling matches (collegiate or otherwise), an image of God as Father with feelings and longings for his children.

To be present also means that God is “well proven” in times of trouble. He is not one that is way off but present – there in the moment. That is a great comfort in the middle of tough moments, when I’m feeling overwhelmed by the troubles I’ve created or ones someone else has caused. It is good to know that God is wrestling with me and very often for me.

In fact, the New Testament book of Hebrews echoes that idea about Jesus. It points out that Jesus is not something or someone who can’t identify with us. Instead, Jesus gets what it means to be human. We don’t have someone “who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:14-16, ESV).” In other words, God does not stand way off but is very present in our lives, move for move.

If this brings up questions – just let me know. I’d love to talk about it.