Category: character

character, Christianity, church, church folk, Faith, Jesus, Life, Religion, Worship

Nothing Mixed In

Years ago, Sherry’s mom and step-dad came to visit for a few days. Bill, Sherry’s step-dad, noticed that I was a bit preoccupied on Saturday. The truth was, I was struggling – wrestling with the sermon I was scheduled to preach the next morning. I think he was a bit frustrated with me because I would drift off into thought when he was talking to me. I was there – but I wasn’t there – if you know what I mean.

At one point Bill said, “Aw Mark step worrying so much about what you are going to say. It’s not just the words that matter. The heart behind the words is what matters most. Just go up in that pulpit tomorrow and speak to people from your heart. That’s what people need anyway. They need to see and hear your heart when you preach.”

I must be honest – that didn’t help – but I knew what he meant. And he was right. The heart reveals a great deal about who we really are.

Of course, as you well know, by heart Bill didn’t mean the one that pumps blood but rather that place that sits at the center of who we are.

The notion of the heart – as Jesus uses it in Matthew 5:8 – is an idea that posits the heart as the “home of personal feelings, willing, and thinking” (Bruner 175). It is the “center of each person’s thoughts (mind) and will…it is the inner person, the center of life, the center of our being…the seat and ‘master control center’ of human life. It is the center of our personality, the ‘real you’ who makes the decisions of life” (Austin).

But the human heart – the way Jesus means it in Matthew 5:8 – and even the way that Bill meant it – well – the human heart is a fickle thing – isn’t it?

One minute the heart is developing great ways to express our love toward our family, friends, God, and neighbor. The next minute the heart is pounding on the horn at someone who cut us off in traffic and it is contemplating the use of a single digit to express our truest feelings.

The Apostle Paul understood. In Romans 7:15 he wrote, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”

The human heart is a fickle thing – and therein lies the problem because, as Billy Graham put it, “our heart – our inner being – is the root of all our actions…From our hearts come our motives, our desires, our goals, our emotions. If our hearts aren’t right, our actions won’t be either.”

And yet, here it is in Matthew 5:8. Jesus said, “Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God.” The trouble of course is the fact that we know our hearts very well. And we know that all sorts of things lurk within the recesses of our hearts.

But then again, the truth is, we know how to conceal those things.
We know how to behave when we are with other people.
We know what to say and what not to say in polite company.
We know how to behave.
We know how to navigate things so that others may or may not really be able to tell what we are really thinking or feeling.
We know how to follow the rules – even when we don’t like the rules and seethe on the inside – we can pass things off as if we are okay with everything going on – and yet – on the inside – we are rolling with anger or contempt.
We know how to use our actions to cover up what is going on in our heart of hearts.

Unfortunately – when Jesus says, “Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God,” he’s pretty much blowing the lid off our ability to conceal what’s going on in our heart of hearts because the truth of the matter is that God doesn’t look on the surface of a person.

Where does God look? He looks at the heart.

Over in the Old Testament, a prophet named Samuel learned that quickly when “the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7[7] ESV).

In fact, in a few verses, Jesus will tell his disciples, [27] “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ [28] But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27–28 ESV).

Jesus isn’t interested in simply what’s on the surface. We are pretty good at concealing from one another what’s really going on in our hearts from one another. But – God doesn’t look on the surface. He looks at the heart.

And so, here in Matthew 5:8 – Jesus is once again telling us an essential quality of a Christian. And this one – this beatitude – like the one just before it – is incredibly important because – while it may seem like it is an internal, personal, thing – it is actually a quality that spills out into the broader world. Because – like it or not – while we may be pretty good at concealing what’s in our hearts – we aren’t perfect at it – and sooner or later the thing that is in our hearts – the things that control our decisions and our actions will spill out into public view.

And so – Jesus – in our text- is talking about being a real “what you see is what you get” sort of person because, as one theologian put it, “Purity of heart must never be confused with outward conformity to rules” (Carson 26).

The admonition to be “pure of heart” is one of being authentic – before God and before the world. Pure of heart has to do with motive, desire, and will – and less to do with a person’s ability to conform to a standard or a set of rules.

To get Jesus’ point we may need to think of purity the way that He meant it – otherwise, we might confuse it with perfection or with COVID running amok – we may be tempted to think of purity as clean – and that will not help us.

We should think of purity in terms of mixture or blends. The word that Jesus uses here can be thought of as something that is unmixed – unblended. For instance, remember Jesus is talking to people who lived in an agrarian society to some extent. In those days, folks took grain to the threshing floor where they would toss the grain up so that the chaff could be separated from the grain. They would do that until all they had left was pure grain – no chaff.

We can think of it in terms of metal. We know that metal that has an alloy in it – that’s not pure metal. When we want to refine metal – we want to get all the impurities out. We only want metal. We don’t want the impurities; we don’t want anything else mixed in.

It’s like the difference between whole milk and skim milk. Theoretically – there is nothing added to whole milk – it’s just milk. It is pure milk – nothing else. It is one thing and one thing only – but if you add water to whole milk – well – its milk but it isn’t whole or pure milk.

Pure, here, means nothing else is mixed in. It is only one thing. A single, solitary thing.

When Jesus is talking about people being pure in heart, he isn’t talking about perfection or being clean – he’s talking about being totally devoted to one thing. He’s talking about a heart that is about one thing – a singular thing without anything else mixed in – no impurities. Given that Jesus is referring to the heart as the center of the self – the center of desire – the place where all our decisions are being made – Jesus is talking about the heart as being about one thing – purely devoted to God without anything else mixed in.

An essential quality of the Christian man or woman is that in their heart of hearts – they are purely devoted to loving God, purely devoted to walking with Jesus with every aspect of their heart, mind, soul, and strength. The pure in heart let nothing else mix into their desire to walk with God.

And – just like that – Jesus once again says something that interrogates us – without even asking a question. It is impossible to read “blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God” without immediately examining our hearts to see if we are indeed pure of heart. And even before we start we know the truth. We know we’ve got some things mixed in. We know we’ve got some chaff, some impurities in our hearts. There is no use denying it. So, what do we do with it? What do we do with the impurities?

First, let me encourage you. If, as you begin to examine your heart for impurities, you can recognize a desire – even a small desire – to want to be pure of heart – to be pure in your devotion to God – then be encouraged. If you truly desire – more than anything else – to be of purely devoted in your heart to God, then you should know that God’s Spirit is already at work within you. You see, the desire to be purely devoted to God – purely devoted in your walk with Jesus – that desire doesn’t originate from within us – it comes from God himself. And he who has begun this work within you will not stop until it is complete in Jesus. If that desire to be purely devoted to God is within you, God is at work getting rid of the chaff – getting rid of anything that tries to mix in to keep you from walking purely with Him.

Martin Luther may help us a bit here. He said, “Jesus’ promise that the pure in heart will ‘see God’ means…that the pure in heart will see God’s fatherly, friendly heart toward them through faith; for whoever believes in Christ and yet regards God as angry is not seeing God correctly. ‘In scriptural language ‘to see His face’ means to recognize Him correctly as a gracious and faithful Father, on whom you can depend for every good thing” (Bruner 176). And part of that every good thing is that when we confess who we are, God is faithful and just to forgive us.

And so, secondly, we come to those impurities – we come to the chaff of our hearts – those things we know are keeping us from being purely devoted to God and we can’t simply ignore it or pretend it doesn’t exist or deny it. What do we do with it?

I think the Psalmists help us understand what to do with the chaff within our hearts. David provides the most help – at least he helps me. We know a lot about David. He was a mess of a human being, but the Bible says he was a man after God’s own heart. After reading his story in 1 & 2 Samuel and throughout the Psalms, it seems clear that David – impure of heart as he was – had a desire to know God and a desire to love him purely. Granted, other things mixed in but even in the middle of his worst days, he seems to have desired to purely devoted to God.

When David – a man after God’s own heart – was made to recognize the impurity of his heart – he owned the chaff, owned the impurity, confessed it, and prayed “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a resolute spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10). We might think of David’s prayer in this way: create in me a heart that is totally, purely devoted to you, oh Lord, with nothing else mixed in – and then Lord – make me resolute in that devotion to you. Perhaps that ought to be the constant prayer of everyone who longs to be pure of heart in their devotion to God.

I think there will always be a little chaff floating around our fickle hearts, which is why preaching from the heart can be tricky. Yet, we can be encouraged that since the desire to be purely devoted to God is within us we know that God is at work and we will see God at work within the threshing floor of our hearts. But we need to let this beatitude interrogate us. It asks us to examine our hearts – to see if we are indeed pure of heart or to see if the desire to be pure of heart – to be purely devoted to God is present.

And so, once again, I leave you with a question. Do you desire above all things to be purely devoted to God -without anything else mixed in?

character, Christianity, church, Life

To Suffer and Persevere

It’s funny, the things I remember from my childhood. By things I mean literally things – objects – the stuff that was part of the warp and woof of our home. For instance, I can remember a vase that stood on a stand next to our front door. I probably remember it well because my brother – Dennis – and I were passing a football back and forth as we went out the door. If memory serves me right, I did not make the catch at the clutch moment – which ended the vase’s career.

But I also remember books. My parents – thankfully – had books everywhere. I suppose that is where I became a bibliophile. It is also where I learned to write notes in the margin of my books. I remember picking up books around our home and finding the notes that my mom had written – or sections that she had underlined. After she passed away, I was fortunate enough to get a few of her books – especially a few that held a place in my memory.

So, this morning – as is my custom – I walked into my study with a cup of coffee and was about to settle into my normal routine when a little yellow book on the lowest shelf of my bookcase caught my eye. I recognized it at once because it took a prominent place among my mother’s books – in fact I often saw it beside her Bible. I decided to throw my routine to the wind (which – if I’m being honest happens more often than not). I plucked the book from the shelf and started to flip through the pages of my mother’s copy of Thomas à Kempis’ The Imitation of Christ.

thomasakempisToday most folks don’t really know much about Kempis – and I will not go into much detail – but he was a remarkable thinker. Suffice it to say that he was a priest and theologian – of sorts – who lived and worked and prayed and studied in the 14th / 15th century (1379-1471). He wrote four books, which are all compiled into one – under the title, The Imitation of Christ.

Perhaps the most important contribution from Kempis is that he focused on spiritual maturity and depth. His insights into what it means to take care of the soul, what it means to walk deeply with Jesus have given shape to a lot of the world’s most well known Christians. In fact, The Imitation of Christ for ages was said to be a must-read for every person who professed faith in Christ and – if you have ever read it you know why it is so revered. Kempis doesn’t gloss over the human condition nor does he pull back on what is required of those who truly want to walk with Jesus. He provides insights into the soul and develves deeply into spiritual formation as only someone in the 14th and 15th centuries could.

IMG_0358The book was so important and so highly valued that for a very long time it was often given as a gift. In fact, my mother was given her copy by our pastor and friend, Rev. John Thrasher, in March of 1982. And sometimes a gift given once is a gift that extends IMG_0359beyond a singular recipient – and that is certainly the case with my mother’s copy of The Imitation of Christ.

This morning, as I thumbed through Kempis’ book, I came across a section that had been starred and underlined. I think that was my mom’s way of saying, “Look here! Read this!” I’m glad I obeyed because Kempis puts forth an amazing prayer that speaks to me about something I tend to avoid.

Kempis wrote, “Ah, Lord God, holy Lover of my soul, when you arrive into my soul, all that is within me shall rejoice. You are my Glory and the exultation of my heart; you are my Hope and Refuge in the day of my trouble…Set me free from all evil passions, and heal my heart of all inordinate affections; that, being inwardly cured and thoroughly cleansed, I may be made fit to love, courageous to suffer, steady to persevere…Let me love you more than myself…”

I can’t recall the last time I saw suffering and persevering in any sort of discussion related to Christian maturity. Most of the time I – like many others – tend to avoid talking about suffering and persevering  – especially the way Kempis does. I think a lot of those deathblack-death-opener.adapt.1900.1who went before us – those who lived in centuries that dealt with plagues and political turmoil and economic disequilibrium and food shortages and those who were willing to say no to themselves – no to certain attitudes and behaviors that run counter to biblical principles – have something to say to us in the 21st century.

From what I take from Kempis, part of what it means to grow in Christian maturity is owning up to the fact that our desires are not always on track with what it means to be Christian – and thus he prays that God would free him from that and help him to suffer through saying no to himself, no to desires that aren’t in accord with the Bible – and continuing to say no when that thing resurfaces. That’s the internal struggle and often that struggle is like suffering and just like physical suffering, it can be a tough row to hoe. We’d much rather indulge and confess and try to repent than suffer through self-denial. At least, that’s true of me. But Kempis makes it clear that we really can’t expect to go very deep in our walk with Jesus if we are unwilling to suffer and persevere.

I don’t like it but, in my heart of hearts, I know Kempis is right. I know it is best to pray as he prayed – and pray so that I will love God more than I love myself, which means being willing to place God’s best for me above my own desires. Saying yes to God often means saying no to myself. And therein lies the rub – doesn’t it? To love God more than myself should mean that I’m willing to say no to myself and willing to suffer and persevere when necessary.

At any rate, I’m grateful that my mom had this book around. I’m grateful that it was one of the things that fill my childhood memories. And, I’m grateful to know that a prayer my mom read – a prayer that somehow spoke to her – is speaking to me today.

8.27.18_Shalom-1024x683

 

character, culture, Life, Newspaper Articles, Racism, Reform

Words Matter, Especially a President’s

This article was published on Sunday, January 21, 2018, by the Bristol Herald Courier

The late Neil Postman, the author of “Amusing Ourselves to Death,” once pointed out that BHC Logo“How we talk is how we think.” Of course, that idea wasn’t original with Postman. Jesus himself pointed this out when he said, “What comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart.”

In essence, words matter because they reveal things about us as human beings.

According to the Bristol Herald Courier and other news outlets, people all over the country are outraged. It is unconscionable, they declare, that a president of the United States should ever publically refer to some African countries – or any country – as “sh*thole” countries.

In fact, a number of people are bristling that he would use such inappropriate language because it is not only unbecoming and unpresidential, it is offensive and it is sure to alienate the people of those countries.

Then there are those who defend Trump, even hail him as a genius. They see nothing wrong what with Trump said and even go so far as to applaud his transparency. They like Trump’s tough language and stance when it comes to immigration and his responses to other world leaders; it is, according to some, the sort of John Wayne-ish rhetoric that America has been missing for a long time; it will put us on the road to becoming great again.

Trump’s comments reveal something about him not just as a president but as a person as well.

For one thing, his comments show a lack of understanding regarding the office of president; while he holds the office, it isn’t just his office. Trump is there to represent all Americans, and not simply the ones he likes or agrees with.

I suppose that has been one of the toughest transitions for him. After all, for decades his entire world has revolved around his interests; but as president of the United States, he can no longer simply think of his aims, his goals, his ideas. He needs to weigh what he says against that call and obligation to represent the United States and not simply himself.

Like it or not, he represents all of us and what he says carries a lot of weight. I suppose that’s why a lot of people are upset because the things he has said of late does not represent them. Imagine if someone who is supposed to represent your interests was saying things that you completely disagreed with but they kept saying it with no regard to you at all.

But that’s not the only issue here, or even perhaps the most important one. Words matter because they reveal something about us as human beings; the things we say often tell more about what is truly in our hearts than the actions that we take.

A lot of what President Trump has said over the past year was in step with the things he did as a reality TV star. Many of us simply took it in stride, considering it as some bluster. But this latest comment reveals more about what is going on inside his heart and mind than anything else he’s said so far.

What the president of the United States has to say about poor and impoverished nations matters. For decades, this country has been known for its humanitarian efforts – which frankly goes in stride with something from the book of Proverbs: “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.”

But that isn’t what Trump seemed to be saying the other day when he cast entire countries and people into the sewer.

What does that sort of comment reveal about what he truly believes about these people? Does he really think that those nations are “sh*thole countries” or was he just blustering? What are we to think when someone with such power says something so horrible about people who have been the victims of tyranny and injustice for decades? Does it represent us well? What could he have been thinking? Who was he representing in that moment?

There are a lot of people in this region who support President Trump. There are others who are resigned to the fact that he is our president and others who loathe him. No matter your position, his comment reveals something about him as a person that is disturbing. It is something we need to bear in mind because his words tell us something about the man himself.

 

This article was published on Sunday, January 21, 2018, by the Bristol Herald Courier

BHC logo2

Mark Hutton is an award-winning writer, ordained minister and adjunct faculty member for the Philosophy and Religion Department at King University. He is a member of the Bristol Herald Courier’s Board of Contributors. Board members are regular Opinion page contributors, and opinions expressed do not necessarily represent those of this newspaper staff and management.

Against Racism, Change, character, City, Community, culture, Justice, Living, Newspaper Articles, Racism, Shalom, Tennessee

Charlottesville’s reminder of a need for dialogue | Opinion | heraldcourier.com

Did you know that Bristol, Tennessee, has a few Confederate monuments in East Hill Cemetery? That makes sense, given the fact that Bristol served as a hospital during the Civil

Source: Charlottesville’s reminder of a need for dialogue | Opinion | heraldcourier.com

character, Children, Dad, Family, Life, Living, Mom, Parenting, Schools, Sleepy Kids

Dance, Dance Fever!

perfect-parentThis morning, like most mornings, I found myself in the drop-off line at my son’s elementary school. Normally, he and I share light conversation, that’s the best I can muster until the life-giving nectar of coffee permeates my brain. As we wait our turn in line, I do what most drivers do, check my rear view mirrors. Most of the time I catch a glimpse of every other bleary eyed parent, but not today. Today I was treated to a site that made me smile.

In the mini-van behind me a mom transformed her kids mundane, Monday morning routine into Dance, Dance-Fever! Though I could not hear the music I caught the rhythm as she danced behind the steering wheel, which was both a drum and a micro-phone. She was all into the music and so were her kids. Seated in the van’s midsection her daughter followed her mother’s uninhibited motions, beaming her nearly toothless, first-grader smile. Even the shot-gun riding, stoic son, let his head sway.

I have no idea if that’s a daily routine. Chances are good their mornings are like most families: sleepy kids who can’t find a shoe, pets that needed to go out – but not any longer, breakfast and lunch prepared at the same time (why’d I put eggs in a Ziploc bag?). But for a few minutes, before school started, a mom in a mini-van created a little laughter and a lot of fun.

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She looked crazy. She did not look like she had it all together. No one in that mini-van was concerned about what the folks in the other cars were thinking (and they were looking). Her kids were loving it and so was she!

Most parents that I know put a lot of pressure on themselves. We want to love our kids well and by that I mean we want to be the perfect parent. We want to be the parent that is never frustrated, always on top of every detail, able to dispense wisdom and cash.What’s more, we want others to think of us as the perfect parent.

But maybe parental perfection looks more like a crazy mom dancing in a van with the kids. Maybe the perfect parent is one that is a little more human, true to themselves, less concerned with others, and way more into having some fun. Sometimes we need a little Dance, Dance Fever! in the drop-off line. Sometimes we need to surprise our kids and ourselves, create moments of laughter and fun, in the most mundane places. Way to go mom!!

dance-in-my-car-1mrs4dr

 

Against Racism, Books, character, Christianity, church, Faith, Jesus, Kingdom, Life, Racism, Reform, Transformation

Captive

 

hands boundOver the last week news outlets have buzzed with the fallout surrounding the “alleged” racists comments of Clipper’s owner, Donald Sterling. Everyone from former NBA players and coaches to the President have contributed to the discussion. Even non-profits who have benefitted from Sterling’s wealth are weighing in – some returning his donations and others refusing to receive any further money from him. Sterling’s alleged remarks have left some wondering how this sort of thing could still be with us in 2014 after all we know how horrible racism and bigotry are. We have seen how it can lead to violence and that it also shows up in apathy and neglect. What we may miss, however, is just how captive we may personally be to racism and bigotry.


john perkins 2John Perkins understands how racism and bigotry enslaves humanity perhaps better than most people. Perkins experienced the violence of racism first hand – with the murder of his brother and welcoming justicehis own brutal beating at the hands of law enforcement in his Mississippi hometown. However, as Perkins lay recovering from near death he realized that if he returned the hatred that is inherent in racism he would be captive. He realized that racism and bigotry cuts across the intent of the Gospel. On recovering, Perkins continued the work that he had done earlier but he also began the work of reconciliation. He realized something incredibly important which is at the core of his life work. In the book, Welcoming Justice, John Perkins wrote, “No one ever put a chain on another human being without tying the other end to himself. We know this. But it can be hard for white folks to see how race continues to hold them captive.”

Is it difficult for white people to see how race holds them captive? Is it difficult for you to admit, to acknowledge racism and bigotry in your own life?

Here is an exercise that might be beneficial (or perhaps not).

  • If you are white, does it bother you that an African-American in Mississippi said this about white people? Why?
  • If you are African America does it make you feel good that Perkins says this about white people? Why?
  • If you are neither white nor African-American, how does this statement strike you?
  • When was the last time you heard someone say, “I’m not a racist but…?” Who said it? Why did they feel comfortable saying that to you?
  • When was the last time you heard someone say, “I don’t have a problem with gay people but…?” Did it come from your lips? Who said it? Why did they feel comfortable saying that to you? Or why did you feel comfortable saying it?
  • Would you rather not have certain “types” of people for neighbors? (I once had people react because they didn’t like the idea of living next to a pastor and his family).
  • Does race influence where you eat, shop for groceries, drive, live, or send your kids to school?
  • Does it influence where you worship?
  • Last week a man was sharing with me about where his kids would have to go to school if he didn’t send them to private school. He actually said, “it is a little dark over there – if you know what I mean.” Seeing my reaction he quickly followed up with, “I’m not racist but…” as if that would cover him. How would you have reacted? What would you have said? (I’ve wondered why he felt comfortable saying that to me).

Perkins is spot on and perhaps the Sterling debacle highlights how race and bigotry continue to hold people captive. Here we are in 2014, we have made all these advances in regards to equality and yet it is still with us. Why? Because racism and bigotry do not live in bans, fines, policies, legislation and even in electing an African-American President. Racism and bigotry live in the fertile soil of the human heart where they are planted, take root, bear fruit and harvested. Perhaps we need to ask what is within our hearts.

Perkins could have returned to his bitterness and anger after being beaten. It was certainly an option. It was as much a part of his heart as yours or mine. Instead he went the opposite direction. How?

John Perkins is not the hero of his story. Perkins points to one who triumphed thru him. In the New Testament Gospel of Luke, Jesus, we are told, entered a synagogue and a scroll, from the Prophet Isaiah, was given to him to read. He unrolled the scroll and found what we know as Isaiah 61. He read these words, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” (Luke 4:18-19)

As a Christian, it is the image of “liberty to the captive…those who are oppressed” which captures my imagination, especially as it relates to racism and bigotry. It was Jesus that helped turn Perkins away from the captivity of racism. It was Jesus that transformed his life and heart and keeps transforming it.  And yet, as much as I would like to say that racism and bigotry do not exist within a Christian context I can’t without lying. Sunday morningsslavery_hands_chain are often called “the last segregated hour.” Church folk do not always do what Jesus would have them do.

Nevertheless, I believe, as Perkins states so well, that Jesus “came to drive a wedge in the status quo and create space where new life can happen.” That is one thing that Jesus does – he pushes against even the hidden places of the human heart – the places where the seeds of racism and bigotry are planted – and brings good things to bear. It starts with something difficult – admitting, at least to God and ourselves – that we simply do not love all cultures and all people.

Perhaps when we are ready to admit some things about our hearts, the way we believe and think, then we can look to Jesus – even if you are not a Christian – and see how he interacted with people. Look at where Jesus traveled (Samaria), whom he engaged (prostitutes, tax-collectors, rich, poor, religious and self-righteous). Take a look at Jesus’ life and see how it differs from the way we make decisions about where we go, shop, eat, live, and especially the way we treat other people who are very different from us (Jesus, after all, was very different from the people interacted with). Perhaps Jesus will help us see the ways we are held captive by racism and bigotry. Perhaps he will help us the way he helped John Perkins – who in turn has brought good to bear in so many places. Perhaps Jesus will help you and I to become more aware of the ways that we are held captive to race and bigotry.

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Resources:

  1. http://www.jvmpf.org/
  2. Marsh, C. and J. Perkins (2009). Welcoming justice: God’s Movement Toward Beloved Community. Downers Grove, Ill., IVP Books.
  3. https://www.nonprofitquarterly.org/policysocial-context/24114-some-nonprofits-keep-donald-sterling-s-money-others-send-it-back.html
  4. http://www.esvbible.org/Luke%204/
  5. http://www.jacksonfreepress.com/news/2008/dec/17/radical-faith-the-revolution-of-john-perkins/
  6. http://www.esvbible.org/John%204/
  7. http://www.esvbible.org/John%203/

 

 

Books, character, Children, Christianity, Community, Dad, Family, Father Son, Hope, Leadership, Parenting

Steps to Perfect Kids

parenting-classes-300X300I came across another article the other day that promised steps to the perfect party for kids. That was on the heels of flipping through a magazine, which highlighted the perfect bedroom for a kid, and an article on the perfect kid friendly vacation spots. There was even an ad for school, which offered the perfect environment for a child’s education. I immediately felt a rise in my anxiety levels because, given the nature of our lives, I can’t possibly provide perfection.

Parents, if you don’t already know it, are some of the most fearful, anxious people on anxietythe planet. We spend tons of resources (time, money, etc.,) on trying to assure that our children have all they can ever need so that they have the perfect childhood – which will in turn lead to a perfect life. Books and articles that promise pathways to perfection get bounced around social media like celebrity gossip.

At one point I had over fifteen parenting books on my bookshelf most from a Christian perspective. Many of them promised to deliver a parenting strategy that would lead to great, well-adjusted kids. The trouble was that they were all different in their approaches – some even contradictory to the other.

Parenting5tipsIt was confusing and overwhelming and at times alarming. I am smart enough to realize that there is little chance that I can perfectly put any of these “tips” into practice. However, these articles and books come with an implicit warning. Failure, on my part, according to the purveyors and peddlers of parenting advice, is certain to cause my kids to plummet into nothingness. What pressure!

On the one hand, I know parents who are so resigned that they are “messing their kids up” that they jokingly say they aren’t saving for their kid’s education but rather for their therapy bill. On the other hand, a dad actually said to me, “Mark if you do these five Biblical things you will have great kids – I can guarantee it. If you don’t, well I’ll pray for you and your kids.” While on opposite ends of the spectrum both parents have something in common – they are both anxious about parental perfection.

For the last twenty years I have worked with parents and students in one capacity or another. I have yet to meet the perfect parent with the perfect parenting strategy and the resulting perfect kids. And yet somehow I fell into the quagmire of attempting parental perfection when my sons came along. I found myself rummaging through books and articles, trying to find some morsel that would help me as a dad. I actually tried to make things perfect and I failed, miserably. It is nearly impossible to rise above the pressure from our culture’s pursuit of parenting perfectionism.

I learned something, in the midst of my anxious rush to find the pathway to perfection; I don’t want perfect kids – or even perfect parties. I want kids of character. Character comes from the ways we handle imperfection in ourselves and in others. The world isn’t a perfect place. Parental anxiety comes from trying to create perfection in a world that is full of flaws and broken-ness.

I don’t want perfect kids – or even perfect parties. I want kids of character. Character comes from the ways we handle imperfection in ourselves and in others.

Because we are prone to messing up we need to be patient with others and ourselves. Sure, we want to become better people but a better person doesn’t mean perfect. Better may mean being self-aware enough to know and admit my faults, failures and quirks so that I can overlook/forgive others their faults, failures and quirks. Perhaps that is the thing we can give our kids to shape their character.

There is a passage in the Bible that, while talking to people in Christian community, says a lot about seeing others and ourselves as we are and doing something about it. Parenting is about shaping the character of our children and that comes from interacting with our mess and the mess of other people. This text from the Bible speaks to that. It is in a letter from a man named Paul to people he loved. He wanted them to know the blessing of living in community, so he wrote that they ought to put on,

beatitudes in stained glass

compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. (Colossians 3:12-15, ESV) 

Our kids live in a world where they are going to have to bear with other people – because people are going to have to bear with them. Parents need to break away from the lie of perfectionism and embrace reality. We do not live in a perfect world with perfect people. Our kids are not perfect. They like all of us have stuff in their hearts that they need to be aware of. We live in a real world where people and circumstances are not always fun, nice and easy. Character comes when as we navigate through the tough things both in our hearts and in our world. It starts with parents being real about their stuff – and allowing their children to witness the way they go through things – faults and all. It brings relief from the lie of perfectionism as parents allow their kids to see them growing in character, too.

Telling my kids I love them is something I try to do all the time. The truth is sometimes my “I love you” is overshadowed by the fact that I wasn’t paying attention to what they were saying. Or worse, as I drive them to school, blasting them for something they did or did not do. Then saying, “Love you” as they get out of the car – as if saying I love you will cover a multitude of sins.

It is clear in those moments to my kids and to me that I am not perfect. I need to own that and preëmpt the conversation and say, “I’m sorry. I blew it with you. Will you forgive me for that? I’ll try to do a better job next time” and then really work on doing better. After all, parenting is all about shaping the character of our kids but how can I give shape to their character if I’m not working on mine – in front of them.

growing-up

Trying to achieve perfection in parenting is bound to create anxiety – especially since we are not perfect people and do not live in a perfect world. It is far better to help our children learn the ways of character by helping them to deal with the good parts and the not so good parts of life. We are all a work in progress and the progress is life-long and not merely through childhood and adolescents. Perhaps we can let our children know that they are not the only ones growing up and getting better – their parents are, too.